Open relationships have become a hot topic lately in pop-culture, from Che mistakenly believing Miranda was in one on And Just Like That… to Jules and Rue’s adventurous dynamic on Euphoria. But open relationships aren’t just something that happens on the small screen. According to a YouGov poll of over 23,000 people, one in four Americans would be, well, open to having an open relationship—and men are almost twice as likely to be interested than women. Whether you are in a monogamous relationship and then decide to open it up, or you know from the get-go that you are only interested in relationships that aren’t tied solely to one person, an open relationship can be tricky to navigate. Relationship therapists say it can be done, but only with guidelines in place—and it certainly isn’t for everyone. Curious? Here’s what you need to know.
What exactly is an open relationship?
“To me, an open relationship is one of the many types of ethical non-monogamy, meaning two or more people have decided to date other people or have romantic relationships with other people that everyone consents to,” says Maria Laguna, LCSW, a therapist at Frame. Laguna says there isn’t one set way that this look. One couple, for example, may define an open relationship as being able to have sexual relationships with other people but not emotional connections. Another couple may decide sex outside of the relationship is off the table, but emotional bonds are okay. She adds that this applies to both open dating relationships and open marriages; both exist and can look similar. But open relationships in either case, Laguna says, are different from polyamory. “With polyamory, the bonds between different partners can be equally strong, whereas in an open relationship the bond is strongest between two people. For example, in a polyamorous relationship, there could be three people who all have the same intensity of [sexual or emotional] bonds,” she says, adding that a polyamorous relationship can also be a “closed” relationship, meaning the partners in the polyamorous relationship are not open to inviting in anyone outside of their set partnership. According to Laguna, there are many reasons why someone may want to consider an open relationship. One is that they do not feel a monogamous relationship with one other person will fulfill them or meet their needs. They may also want to explore a side of themself that they are unable to explore in a current relationship or marriage, such as a sexual desire. Jennifer Silvershein Teplin, LCSW, the founder and clinical director of Manhattan Wellness, says that when she hears from someone (or a couple) that they are interested in an open relationship, she first asks them what the motivation behind it is. “If it’s a couple who has been in a committed relationship, such as marriage, and are now talking about opening it up, I first ask if there are needs not being met,” Teplin says. Sometimes, she says, this unearths that a partner feels they lack an emotional connection or a physical connection with their partner that they once had. A relationship therapist can help a couple decide if the needs not being currently met can be met in their relationship or if it truly does make sense to open it up. “The earlier you know you want to pursue an open relationship, the better,” Teplin says. Ideally, she explains, someone will know when they are dating. That way, they can be upfront from the beginning about the type of relationship they are interested in. Of course, this doesn’t always happen and Teplin says that’s fine too; it’s normal for desires and needs to change over time. But in either case, pursuing an open relationship comes with both benefits and risks.
The benefits and risks to pursuing an open relationship
Elizabeth Marks, LCSW, a therapist at Manhattan Wellness, says that a lot of people feel they cannot be fulfilled sexually and physically by one person. For these people, the benefit of an open relationship is clear: It doesn’t place all their needs on one person. Marks says this is especially the case for individuals who cannot express the full extent of their sexuality in their relationship. “If someone is bisexual, they may want the space to explore and receive that aspect of themself with others while still maintaining a strong bond with their partner,” Marks says. Laguna says that another benefit to an open relationship is that it slows down what she calls, the “relationship escalator.” “I work with a lot of people who start to think, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning 30. By now I should have a car, own a home, be in a committed relationship, and be thinking of having a child.’ Engaging in an open relationship deconstructs that idea. There’s a lot of societal pressure that’s artificial,” she says. Laguna adds that engaging in an open relationship can also be a political act. “It deconstructs this patriarchal idea of ‘my woman’ or ‘my man,’’ she says. But there are risks to an open relationship, too. “If one person in the relationship is only agreeing to an open relationship to satisfy their partner and it’s not something they truly want, it may not be sustainable and may create resentment,” Teplin says. For this reason, she emphasizes that both people must be fully interested in having an open relationship for it to truly work. Laguna says there could potentially be legal risks involved. “Our [society] is structured with a nuclear family in mind,” she says. “Your emergency contact is one person. Your health proxy is one person. With the exception of three states, only two people can be listed as the parents of a child. These are things to consider,” she says. If you weigh the risks and benefits and decide that an open relationship is right for you, all three therapists say it’s important to establish clear guidelines that make both partners feel comfortable. “This requires an honest conversation where both people voice what their needs are,” Teplin says. She says that it’s important for both people to feel safe physically and emotionally. This involves talking about using protection if the relationship is opening up to new sexual partners. “Think of the guidelines as a living document; they aren’t set in stone and can change over time,” Teplin says. “But it’s important to keep communicating.” Teplin also says that if you are someone who knows that an open relationship isn’t for you, you shouldn’t compromise your personal beliefs to try to make your partner happy. “That will mean your needs aren’t being met,” she says. In these cases, she says to be honest about how you feel. Then, your partner will have to decide how they want to move forward. All three experts emphasize that an open relationship can work. But it will only be successful if both partners want to do it and clear guidelines are established. Only then will the relationship be, in a sense, euphoric. Next up, check out the 18 best romantic movies on Netflix.
Sources:
Maria Laguna, LCSW, therapist at FrameJennifer Silvershein Teplin, LCSW, the founder and clinical director of Manhattan WellnessElizabeth Marks, LCSW, a therapist at Manhattan Wellness
