To help you heal after heartbreak, we asked three relationship experts to explain just how long it takes to get over a breakup—and, no surprise, we ended up with three totally different answers. Here are three ways to calculate how long it takes to get over a breakup, according to relationship experts.
How long does it take to get over a breakup
1. Use the 6-Month Rule
Since every person and relationship is different, knowing how long it’ll take to get over a break up can vary—but the six months rule is a good rule of thumb, according to relationship expert Lauren Peacock, author of Female. Likes Cheese. Comes with Dog.: Stories About Divorce, Dating, and Saying “I Do” and the creator of The Divorce Case subscription box. “I try and go by the 6-month rule, which says that for most of us to fully heal, it usually takes around 6 months for every year we are with someone,” Peacock says. For example:
If you were with someone for 1 year, it would take 6 months to get over the breakup.If you were with someone for 2 years, it would take 1 year to get over the breakup.If you were with someone for 3 years, it would take 1 year and 6 months to get over the breakup.And so on.
“Of course, every situation is different, and how you process or feel about things will change as you grow as a person,” Peacock says. “But when you have a long history with someone extending over the course of many years, you have to give yourself space to process your feelings differently than you might with a shorter relationship.”
2. Measure How Much “Work” You’ve Done
Susan J. Elliott, a divorce lawyer and author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss Into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You, has a different approach when thinking about how long it takes to get over a breakup. She says it depends on “the work” you do post-breakup, which“includes grief work, going through the relationship (called inventorying) to be as objective as possible, and doing affirmative steps to get over the relationship.” One of the more difficult steps involved: going no-contact with your ex—even if you share children, she says. If you must interact, keep your contact limited to brief, business-like interactions and interact only when necessary, Elliott says, since cutting off contact and doing this emotional work, no matter how difficult, is what helps you heal and move on. That’s why she says it’s the amount of “work” you do that determines how long it’ll take you to get over your breakup. “You could be over a longer relationship in a short period of time if you do the work, whereas a shorter one could haunt you forever if you do nothing about it.”
3. Test Your Feelings
“Some experts calculate a formula for when you should be ready to date based on the amount of time you’ve been together, but I don’t subscribe to any particular time frame for healing,” says Damona Hoffman, certified dating coach and host of The Dates & Mates Podcast—knowing how long it’ll take you to get over a breakup is all about knowing your feelings, she says. “I’ve seen clients have very intense, short relationships that took a long time to process after a breakup and people who were in long-term relationships who mentally left the partnership long before and were ready to date right away,” Hoffman explains. “The important thing is that you take time to examine what happened that brought the relationship to an end and appreciate what you learned from the partnership, positive and negative.” The truth is, you might not even realize you’re over your breakup until you test your feelings. “Usually I will recommend to clients that they start dating before they officially feel ready,” Hoffman says. “We learn most through action and experiences and sometimes, you can only tell if you are over your ex when you start to entertain the prospect of new matches and feel the excitement of new possibility,” she says. But, if you return to dating apps yet are constantly comparing your matches to your ex or if you’re feeling completely unmotivated to date again in general, that’s a sign that you need more time for healing, Hoffman says. Check out…28 Ways to Get Over Someone100 Best Breakup Songs100 Grief Quotes12 Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner15 Falling Out of Love Signs
